I am tired
Tired of being a woman
Who doesn’t find herself
Attractive anymore
(So why would anyone else?)
Tired of waiting
For that one look
Of appreciation
And acknowledgment
Of my feminity
Or my silent efforts.
Tired of being a provider
Whose needs are never met
Tired of scrimping and saving
For rainy days that loom large
All the time and never seem to end
Tired of holding it all together
When my own fiber is
Crumbling bit by bit.
Tired of living each day
Thinking that the next will be better
(It never is!)
Tired of telling people to be positive
When all that I want to do
Is to curl up and die.
Tired of being alone, friendless
With no goals and no hopes
Tired of relentlessly fighting
For existence…….
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Let's go into 2009 with a clean slate....
The year 2008 is coming to an end and I am hoping and praying that it passes without any more bolts from the blue.
What an eventful year in everyway - in fact for me it started in 2007 around Diwali - which in any case is the start of the Hindu New Year - with Lopa's tragic death.
Lopa and I went back a long way. We had a relationship where either one of us would take the role of mentor for the other as and when the situation demanded. The kids loved their Lopa aunty and she kept her promise for being an active participant in their weddings by coming over for Anubhav's. Lopa and I did not talk everyday but whenever we did - it always felt like a continuation of a conversation. Lopa went suddenly and painfully - a grim reminder of the reality that death is. Lopa I miss you. I know you are there somewhere and you are watching over Anubhav and Aanchal as much as you are watching over your own family. Be there friend - I need the strength from your spirit.
Borunesh suffered and is still suffering - he lost Lopa - and with that he probably lost everything. He has his daughters and he lives for them but his sorrow is immense and I wish there was something one could do to alleviate his misery. We are there for you Borunesh..hang in there friend!
All this before 2008 actually arrived. If the beginning of 2008 brought in the good news of the future arrival of a new member to family and a job that I thought would finally settle me - then March brought the bad news of Vinodji's illness. A man of his stature and command was reduced to a bag of flesh and bones on a hospital bed. He died shorn of his dignity - a guinea pig to the viles of doctors who ultimately blamed his demise on an ICU bug. Vinodji, to whom I sent a Rakhi every year.... I don't think we ever talked about our relationship in that sense but he was always the elder - the backbone of the family and one automatically looked up to him. We miss you Vinodji - Rajiv and I and the kids. I missed you throughout Anuj's wedding - I am sure you were there somewhere - singing and dancing along with us - but your absence did take away some of the joy. I hope up there when we meet, we will have a drink together ;).
May 2008 was all about broken bones and the problems that followed. The entire household went into a tizzy and for all the days that I lay in the hospital - Rajiv and Aanchal went about like automatons...which became worse once I came home. I learnt one vital lesson during this time - it's tough holding on to what you term as your personal space and dignity in times like this.
Apart from family and friends that stood by me like the rock of Gibraltar, Motif (my employers) too did their bit. I had a new office, a better work space and all my comforts taken care of during the time I was recuperating and working. Thanks Motif and all my colleagues...you guys rock!
A niece got operated and another got engaged during this period and in July I flew to Dubai to be with Anubhav and Roux for Reyankh's arrival. A newborn is probably the purest form of creation. Reyankh arrived on 12th July and my cup of joy spilt over!! Is there anything in this whole wide world that equals the sheer pleasure of holding your grandchild in your arms? I am not too sure. I ran through my days in Dubai, on one leg, a walker and a stick, as if possessed - living as if there was no tomorrow. The day began with Reyankh and ended with him. Oh! the ecstacy of seeing him blossom and then the agony of leaving him and coming back....
September tore the home asunder and the less said about it the better. When events go against the grain of your upbringing, your nature and your values, you are left dumbfounded! Fervent prayers and wishes and reaffirmations and some shameless dependence on 'The Secret' did not bear any fruit - things only got worse. But as is always said - when no hope seems in sight - then new hopes have to be built. Acceptance and detachment is the key and we live in hope! And time of course is the best healer.....
Feverish preparations for Anuj's wedding followed. A Punjabi wedding is always over the top and this one promised to be better than the best. Clothes and jewelry and shoes and make-up and woollies - a December wedding in Delhi ....brrrrrr....Yet, despite the excitement and enthusiasm there was discomfort in the inner recesses of the mind. Some nagging thoughts, some troubled interactions, some misunderstandings......
The wedding was all and more of what it promised to be. That I felt lost and out of sorts had more basis in my sorrow at broken and lost relationships than what the lavish wedding had to offer. I felt humiliated, lonely, used and discarded - and it all melded into a scenario which became too diffcult to bear. I was relieved when we left and even though the sorrow at what transpired, has still to vacate my soul....I am detaching...slowly and surely...I am detaching...
If I thought that the last straw had already broken the camel's back I had some more surprises in store...the engagement broke, brining in some more misery and soul searching. The question that anyone my generation would automatically ask - what's wrong with the new generation? - doesn't hold much water with me. I have always thought like the new generation and I guess that makes me more adaptable than most people my age. I accept the new as much as I embrace the old..But the unhappiness that comes with every broken relationship is difficult to tide over each time....
And so the year comes to an end...Profound happiness and deep sorrows were all part of it. If the year 2008 appeared more troublesome than the preceding ones then it is more because of human memory being short that anything else...That this year brought more trials and tribulations to me and my family may be a matter of chance - I hope that for others across the world it was joyous and remarkable...
Adieu 2008!
What an eventful year in everyway - in fact for me it started in 2007 around Diwali - which in any case is the start of the Hindu New Year - with Lopa's tragic death.
Lopa and I went back a long way. We had a relationship where either one of us would take the role of mentor for the other as and when the situation demanded. The kids loved their Lopa aunty and she kept her promise for being an active participant in their weddings by coming over for Anubhav's. Lopa and I did not talk everyday but whenever we did - it always felt like a continuation of a conversation. Lopa went suddenly and painfully - a grim reminder of the reality that death is. Lopa I miss you. I know you are there somewhere and you are watching over Anubhav and Aanchal as much as you are watching over your own family. Be there friend - I need the strength from your spirit.
Borunesh suffered and is still suffering - he lost Lopa - and with that he probably lost everything. He has his daughters and he lives for them but his sorrow is immense and I wish there was something one could do to alleviate his misery. We are there for you Borunesh..hang in there friend!
All this before 2008 actually arrived. If the beginning of 2008 brought in the good news of the future arrival of a new member to family and a job that I thought would finally settle me - then March brought the bad news of Vinodji's illness. A man of his stature and command was reduced to a bag of flesh and bones on a hospital bed. He died shorn of his dignity - a guinea pig to the viles of doctors who ultimately blamed his demise on an ICU bug. Vinodji, to whom I sent a Rakhi every year.... I don't think we ever talked about our relationship in that sense but he was always the elder - the backbone of the family and one automatically looked up to him. We miss you Vinodji - Rajiv and I and the kids. I missed you throughout Anuj's wedding - I am sure you were there somewhere - singing and dancing along with us - but your absence did take away some of the joy. I hope up there when we meet, we will have a drink together ;).
May 2008 was all about broken bones and the problems that followed. The entire household went into a tizzy and for all the days that I lay in the hospital - Rajiv and Aanchal went about like automatons...which became worse once I came home. I learnt one vital lesson during this time - it's tough holding on to what you term as your personal space and dignity in times like this.
Apart from family and friends that stood by me like the rock of Gibraltar, Motif (my employers) too did their bit. I had a new office, a better work space and all my comforts taken care of during the time I was recuperating and working. Thanks Motif and all my colleagues...you guys rock!
A niece got operated and another got engaged during this period and in July I flew to Dubai to be with Anubhav and Roux for Reyankh's arrival. A newborn is probably the purest form of creation. Reyankh arrived on 12th July and my cup of joy spilt over!! Is there anything in this whole wide world that equals the sheer pleasure of holding your grandchild in your arms? I am not too sure. I ran through my days in Dubai, on one leg, a walker and a stick, as if possessed - living as if there was no tomorrow. The day began with Reyankh and ended with him. Oh! the ecstacy of seeing him blossom and then the agony of leaving him and coming back....
September tore the home asunder and the less said about it the better. When events go against the grain of your upbringing, your nature and your values, you are left dumbfounded! Fervent prayers and wishes and reaffirmations and some shameless dependence on 'The Secret' did not bear any fruit - things only got worse. But as is always said - when no hope seems in sight - then new hopes have to be built. Acceptance and detachment is the key and we live in hope! And time of course is the best healer.....
Feverish preparations for Anuj's wedding followed. A Punjabi wedding is always over the top and this one promised to be better than the best. Clothes and jewelry and shoes and make-up and woollies - a December wedding in Delhi ....brrrrrr....Yet, despite the excitement and enthusiasm there was discomfort in the inner recesses of the mind. Some nagging thoughts, some troubled interactions, some misunderstandings......
The wedding was all and more of what it promised to be. That I felt lost and out of sorts had more basis in my sorrow at broken and lost relationships than what the lavish wedding had to offer. I felt humiliated, lonely, used and discarded - and it all melded into a scenario which became too diffcult to bear. I was relieved when we left and even though the sorrow at what transpired, has still to vacate my soul....I am detaching...slowly and surely...I am detaching...
If I thought that the last straw had already broken the camel's back I had some more surprises in store...the engagement broke, brining in some more misery and soul searching. The question that anyone my generation would automatically ask - what's wrong with the new generation? - doesn't hold much water with me. I have always thought like the new generation and I guess that makes me more adaptable than most people my age. I accept the new as much as I embrace the old..But the unhappiness that comes with every broken relationship is difficult to tide over each time....
And so the year comes to an end...Profound happiness and deep sorrows were all part of it. If the year 2008 appeared more troublesome than the preceding ones then it is more because of human memory being short that anything else...That this year brought more trials and tribulations to me and my family may be a matter of chance - I hope that for others across the world it was joyous and remarkable...
Adieu 2008!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Inheritence of Loss
Apologies Anita (or is it Kiran) Desai - for borrowing the title of your book as the title of this post but at this point in time nothing fits my state of mind better.
When you spend a life time in bonding and nurturing relationships with relatives - you start to think of the bonds as inheritences - sometimes you get complacent and sometimes you overdo your bit but the confidence in the relationship remains because you give so much to each and every one of them. You invest emotions, time and energy into keeping the ties alive for in those ties lie your strengths. You build every relationship bit by bit - mutually - taking some and giving some but always keeping the bond alive. And as time passes you start believing that the strength of the bond with weather every storm especially those that arise out of expectations!
But unfortunately the fragilities of the human mind and the levels of expectations always take a toll on relationships. And even those that you have spent years and years on nurturing go kaput in a few seconds because of unmet expectations. In that lies sorrow and pain - because by that time you have become so dependent on the relationship that it starts feeding on your soul. When the break happens - it's not just the relsationship that goes - with it goes a part of your soul and so much of your spirit.
Having had to bear the pain of two such breaks in the past few months I have finally understood how important it is to detach oneself from all relationships and expectations as one goes along in life. Sadly, it is when these things happen that one realizes how poor one's spiritual growth is. For the first step towards spiritual enlightenment is to let go of all relationships - especially those that drain you emotionally and leave you in negative thought. I am disappointed in myself for having let relationships effect me to such an extent that I have lost my perspective and positivity. It is a shame that instead of going forward spiritually I have slipped back many steps - back again into the labyrinth of expectations and demands.
Getting back on the path is going to be an uphill climb but climb I must - in it lies my own peace and serenity.
When you spend a life time in bonding and nurturing relationships with relatives - you start to think of the bonds as inheritences - sometimes you get complacent and sometimes you overdo your bit but the confidence in the relationship remains because you give so much to each and every one of them. You invest emotions, time and energy into keeping the ties alive for in those ties lie your strengths. You build every relationship bit by bit - mutually - taking some and giving some but always keeping the bond alive. And as time passes you start believing that the strength of the bond with weather every storm especially those that arise out of expectations!
But unfortunately the fragilities of the human mind and the levels of expectations always take a toll on relationships. And even those that you have spent years and years on nurturing go kaput in a few seconds because of unmet expectations. In that lies sorrow and pain - because by that time you have become so dependent on the relationship that it starts feeding on your soul. When the break happens - it's not just the relsationship that goes - with it goes a part of your soul and so much of your spirit.
Having had to bear the pain of two such breaks in the past few months I have finally understood how important it is to detach oneself from all relationships and expectations as one goes along in life. Sadly, it is when these things happen that one realizes how poor one's spiritual growth is. For the first step towards spiritual enlightenment is to let go of all relationships - especially those that drain you emotionally and leave you in negative thought. I am disappointed in myself for having let relationships effect me to such an extent that I have lost my perspective and positivity. It is a shame that instead of going forward spiritually I have slipped back many steps - back again into the labyrinth of expectations and demands.
Getting back on the path is going to be an uphill climb but climb I must - in it lies my own peace and serenity.
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