Silence

She nods silently because she knows that words are too powerful a tool and sometimes in her earnestness to get her point across she sends the wrong message through her words. So she tries - tries hard to keep her counsel to herself but is never completely successful. It's a curse she thinks - this ability of hers to verbalize her thoughts so well - it intimidates people. She hates the noise that ensues after she has spoken - a noise so loud it deadens her soul.  Damn you she tells herself - damn you for being too expressive, for being too compassionate, for trying to make peace, for wanting to mend fences - damn you for thinking that your verbosity and loquaciousness can solve problems!  It hampers her spiritual growth - this constant effort to mend what cannot be mended. She has to accept that there is no such thing as perfect or even near perfect. She must learn to keep her counsel - to herself! And most importantly she must stop believing that her words can make a difference. People are what they want to be and not what she thinks her words can make them become. Her silence is a gift she has to give herself and to those around her. Maybe then there will be eternal peace........

In between there was nothing!

Had the most amazing experience the other day! Watched the narration/dramatization of Ismat Chugtai's stories by Naseeruddin Shah and family. Through the 1 hour 20 minute narration of three different stories it was difficult to decide who deserved more praise - the story writer or the actors! Ismat Chugtai - the rebel writer whose stories we had to actually hide under the 'Lihaaf' and read - was prolific in her craft and so true to it. Her stories are full of raw emotions, often brutal and so ahead of times that they almost seem contemporary today. And what can one say of Naseeruddin, Ratna & Heeba Shah. Taking on a story each they transformed the stage with their powerhouse performances. Vibrant, fluid, pulsating...it was all this and more.

What is there about telling a story you may ask. Plenty if you go by what I saw. You watch Heeba Shah speak about the agony and ecstasy of giving birth, you see Ratna Pathak Shah talk about the lonely Gori Begum and then as the most thunderous finale you have Naseeruddin Shah transport you to the home of Mirza Saheb where Lajjo reigns supreme. The whole experience was nothing short of ethereal. Ismat Apa's characters truly came alive that evening!

Eleven years of being away from the stage has not dimmed my fervor for it. Every time I watch a show I am envious about those on the stage. Why are they there? And why am I not there? My mind and body and my subconscious coil up in a tense knot of expectation and hope but never enough for me to break free and do something about it.

Thank you Naseeruddin Shah and team, Raunaq Kamdar, Prashant Vanjani  - for transporting me to a space where I have always wanted to be! Even though in between there was nothing - eleven years past time has come for me to get back to my first love!

Kiran