Growing Old

Growing old? I thought I could handle getting older with alacrity and youthful ebullience. At 51 I considered myself young enough to accept and meet new challenges every day, barely noticing that years had flown past....the chronological clock had kept ticking...silently effecting the body even as the mind raced on to meet hitherto unsurmountable goals. Every time there was a challenge I willed myself to look it in the face and charge on...for living meant never ever accepting defeat....


And then the fall happened – a fall so freaky it not only put a spoke in the wheels of so many plans - it also brought forth a few home truths. Truths about the fragility of the body vis-a-vis the tensegrity of the mind, truths about the weakness of the spirit when the body fails to cope, truths about fear that lurks in the dark recesses of the mind even as we pretend to be all strength.


The biggest fear of it has been the realization that the body is now weak and there will come a time when it will seek more and more dependence on another. Do I want to be my independent self; do I want to be taken care of? Is that what growing old means? Dependence and a loss of self? There is also the acute realization that even though your progeny loves you - they sometimes don't have the patience to bear up with your whining and wheezing. Suddenly I find myself on the same platform as my mother and my mother-in-law...women I consider old and often lose patience with....suddenly the shoe is on the other foot....and it hurts!


What happens when I reach their age....the actual old age...60s...70s..or beyond (do I want to live that long?) and the body gives up entirely...what if there is a terminal illness...what if the resourses dry up...what if the mind grows weary too....How does one cope with all the 'what-ifs'? Will there be care-givers? Will I become a nuisance, an irritation, an encumberance?

But even as I fight with the demons of fear and a weak spirit, there are moments of pure happiness and hope. Moments that bring relationships into focus...Moments when there are caring hand all around, hands of people I loved and those who loved me. The sheer joy of hearing from long lost friends and new acquaintances..everyone concerned...the realization that goodness begets goodness and the revelation that at the end of it all...love and faith are the best healers.

Ray